Kings of the Road

Dear Jerk Who Left Your Chewed-Up Gum on the Seat at the Majestic Movie Theater in Silver Spring, Maryland:

Thank you SO MUCH. I sat in your abc gum (a.k.a. “already been chewed”, in case you never made it through elementary school) throughout the entire length of Knocked Up this afternoon. All of it stuck to my favorite casual black pants, WHICH I CAN NO LONGER PURCHASE BECAUSE I BOUGHT THEM LAST YEAR. I didn’t even realize that the gum was stuck to my butt until I had almost reached the parking garage.

Thanks to you, my pants are ruined. I hope that you choke on your next piece of bubblicious.

Sincerely,

Me

(I should have taken heed from Church of the Big Sky–there are nasty things in movie theaters.)

My finger is here just to show you how bad it is. It’s that big.