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My Kid is Cuter Than Your Kid

  • Posted on June 26, 2008 at 4:55 pm

One of the downfalls of having the world’s cutest baby is that people want to steal her. Seriously. Today we went to my local CVS Pharmacy to pick up a prescription, and the pharmacist told me to watch out, because she and her accomplice/pharmacist colleague were going to kidnap Stella.

How scary–these women had access to thousands of powerful, prescription-only drugs, and could have probably flung a syringe across the counter and injected me with a crazy kidnapper drug concoction, causing me to pass out right there on the stained blue CVS carpet. I would have woken up hours later in the dumpster out back, surrounded by bottles of expired Tylenol and Mylanta, my memory hazy from the drug cocktail the kidnappers gave me, unable to remember the last 47 hours and who stole my baby. They would have taken her home to their old, demented Vietnamese grandma to watch during the day while they continued to work at CVS, and the grandma would have dressed her up in those gawdy princess outfits and kept her locked up in the closet, taught her the secret family recipe for Vietnamese noodle soup, and I would have never seen her again.

I could not let this happen. I laughed nervously and gave them my best Chuck Norris glare. (Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.)

Sensing a threat, they decided instead to make Stella the “Shopping Center Mascot”. I considered this. Does it involve posters of my baby plastered all over the parking lot? Are people going to want to kiss her? Will we receive large sums of money so I can quit my job and buy a new car and sit around eating ice cream and watching TLC all day when I’m not out shopping and lunching with other mommies? Probably not.

Besides, the shopping center is ghetto. My baby ain’t no ghetto baby, yo.

I wheeled my chi-chi chicco stroller out of there as quickly as possible.