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How Two Moles Will Lead to a Total Body Makeover

  • Posted on April 10, 2009 at 4:29 pm

I went to the, ahem, plastic surgeon yesterday. There’s nothing like a plastic surgeon to make you feel completely insecure and ugly.

My visit was a consultation about two moles I want removed. Two little itty-bitty moles that really aren’t that big a deal.

When the doctor entered the examination room, and asked me what I was there for,  I couldn’t help but wonder what he thought I was there for. Perhaps he scanned me as he entered the room, and sized me up. What is this woman here for? Nose job? Lipo? Boob job? Chin implant? Eyelid lift? When I explained to him that I was there on the recommendation of my dermatologist about getting a mole removed, and I showed him the mole, he smirked. I imagined he was chuckling because he was thinking “that’s all?” CUE THE INSECURITIES!

Then, THEN, he asked if there were any other moles I wanted removed. CUE THE SELF-DOUBT AND SHAME! I flustered, and started poking around my face for other unsightly growths for the doctor to carve out of my flesh. “Uh, maybe this one under my nose? Or this one on my chin? Would the insurance cover those too?” I pointed out my large raisin-shaped mole on my chest, and the doctor said “I was hoping you would mention that one. I immediately noticed it when I walked in the room.” SEE?! He was looking for flaws to fix. We finally settled on two moles–the one on my face and the one on my chest–with a plan to remove to others later.

Plastic surgeons are in a great position to up-sell you services when you have a consultation. What other kinds of doctors could do this? Oncologist: “I’m going to remove your cancerous ovary. Can I interest you in a hysterectomy while I’m down there?”  Allergist: your test results were negative, but would you like to come to my office every week for allergy shots anyway?” Plastic surgeons really could get away with saying “yes, of course I can take that mole off. And right now, I have a promotion going on–buy one mole removal and get a nose job for half price.” If a plastic surgeon even suggested that I think about a nose job, that would convince me that there is something WRONG with my nose. Something wrong enough to merit surgery to fix it. I’d be mortified.

Luckily, no such offers or suggestions were made yesterday. Perhaps they’ll get me at the next visit? And how will I be able to say no?

The big surgery is set for June. Don’t worry though, it’s an outpatient procedure and I’ll be able to drive myself home.  Cross your fingers that I don’t blow my 401K on a new nose.